Cup of Coffee
by Screaming Mimi
Summary: Ah Ha! I haf returned with more Rosie-chan goodness. It's an AU songfic, RosieXAlexiel pairing...more angst as well. RnR


Cups of Coffee  
  
Key: Italics ~Song lyrics  
  
Bold ~Rosiel's thoughts  
  
Underline ~Answering Machine Message.  
  
Disclaimer: AS dont belong to me nor does cups of coffee by Garbage **pronounced gar bahj**  
  
This is an AU sort of story, Rosie and Alex are still twins and he still loves her but many of da same coicumstances don't carry over. 'cept for da fact rosie's still sorta a few french fries short of a happy meal. Listen to me ramble, just start the story eh?  
  
You tell me you don't love me over a cup of coffee  
  
Rosiel looked up from his cup of coffee, looking at the being across from him. She was perfection, she was beauty, she was his twin. A faint smile played on his lips as he thought of her in various situations he played out only in his head. His twin, Alexiel, looked around at the other tables, pretending not to notice Rosiel's blissful stare. He moved his hand toward hers, together at last. All she had to do was tell him he was beautiful, tell him she loved him. He fingered the ring in his pocket. The situation played itself out and he intended to make this one a reality. "Nee-san?" His voice hoarse with panic, he touched her hand. She turned to him, looking confused. "I...I love you. I always will...be with me forever?" He smiled nervously as he presented the ring. She looked away again for a moment.  
  
"Rosiel...Rosie-chan...I...can't." She kept looking at the bag of coffee beans resting on the counter. Rosiel's eyes grew wide. He must have heard wrong.  
  
"Nani?"  
  
"I'm sorry Rosie-chan. I can't love you. I mean we're brother and sister. It's a sin of some sort. I... I'm sorry." She turned back to him with a sad smile. She held his hand lightly.  
  
And I just have to look away  
  
Rosiel looked at his feet. His hand felt different, like a separate entity from his body. He watched his shoelaces, expecting them to crawl away in disgust.  
  
"I have to go to work," she looked at her watch and got up. "Bye, Rosie-chan." She smiled again and brushed his shoulder as she walked by. He brought his hand up to touch the spot, it was the last he would ever have of her.  
  
A million miles between us  
  
Planets crashing to dust  
  
The click of her high heels disappears into the crowd as Rosiel still stares at his shoes. He gets the strength to look up, look up at her cup of coffee. He picks it up and takes a sip. He notices a trace of lipstick on the edge. Wiping it away with his finger, he stares at it. Such a perfect shade of red. The red of his love, his anger, his depression. He touches his lips, the lipstick moving to his own.  
  
I just let it fade away  
  
He staggers out to the sidewalk. He can make out her shape walking briskly away.  
  
"Bye Alexiel! See you around!" He throws all he has into the perkiness of that phrase. He has to convince himself that this isn't that bad. He can move on. Alexiel turns and waves, smiling so happily. He waves back, his hand slipping from his side into the air. His smile pinned on his face he walks back into the coffeehouse. He has nowhere else to go no one else to see.  
  
I'm walking empty streets hoping we might meet  
  
"It's 10.30. Alexiel gets off her shift at 10.30." Rosiel thought to himself. He walked the dark streets, his eyes straining to see. After spending a day in the dim fluorescence of the coffeehouse, even streetlights seem harsh. The streets gleam from the rain and the only sound on this back street is the dull clud of his Doc Martens. He feels so alone.  
  
I see your car parked on the road  
  
The light in your window  
  
A brown house appears suddenly on the side of the road. The streetlights catch the rear lights, and Rosiel knows he missed. He looks up at her window, watching her walk back and forth, talking, laughing on the phone. He laughs along with her, pretending to share her joy. This bond gives him happiness for a brief moment. It gives him the illusion that they are still together.  
  
And I just have to walk away   
  
Still laughing to himself, Rosiel begins to shuffle away. He stops and looks back at the house, reminded of the memories. Alas he knows he cannot do anything. A wild whim strikes him as he takes out his cell phone, still watching that window.  
  
So no of course we can't be friends  
  
His fingers know where to go as he dials her number. He watches her as she picks up the phone.  
  
"Hey, nee-san!" His phony happiness terrifies even him. His brain takes control, leaving his mind behind. Rosiel even finds he is smiling.  
  
"Oh, hi Rosie-chan." All that effort, and he gets an "Oh hi."  
  
"Just wondering if you would like to catch a movie at the Flick? That movie you wanted to see if playing." He throws himself into these last words. He must seem happy, even if it is not what he feels. She can't know.  
  
Not while I'm still this obsessed  
  
Watching her expression from where Rosiel is standing, he sees her roll her eyes.  
  
"No sorry. I'm going with someone."  
  
"Oh...well that's okay." Not too depressed, now.  
  
"Look about today? I'm really sorry but you know how it is." No, Alexiel. I don't. And I never will. "Yeah, no problem. I don't know what came over me!" He laughs at himself, each laugh he throws out with a painful exertion.  
  
"Good, I'm glad, because you seemed real depressed."  
  
"No, no problem."  
  
"Well anyway, on that note I think it would be best to, you know, hang out with other people more." I never knew you could feel your heart breaking. I never knew words could cause so much pain. I don't want to see anyone else, Alexiel. I only need you, I only want you. He chokes back tears and tries his hardest to sound normal.  
  
"Oh okay. Well I gotta go, I'll see that movie without you! Bye!"  
  
"You su--" He hangs up before she or he can say anything else. Afraid that if he talked to her any longer his feelings would reveal themselves.  
  
I guess I always knew the score   
  
This is how our story ends  
  
Rosiel sighes, watching her walk in her house. Alexiel can be happy on her own, she can go on, why can't he? Why did he call her tonight? He knew what was going to happen, he knew that it would hurt him. Perhaps all he needed was to hear her voic eand just to pretend that things were the same. He took one last look at her house, knowing that he couldn't go back. Alexiel would never call him Rosie-chan and tousle his hair, and he could never kiss her without feeling awkward.  
  
"I love you, Alexiel Nee-san. I don't care what you say, but I do." He reached out his hand, pretending to touch her face. He watched her turn out the light and he shuffled down the empty street, alone again.  
  
I smoke your brand of cigarettes  
  
Rosiel walks into his bare apartment. The only thing on the walls are pictures of him and Alexiel. He has a futon on the floor, a beat up couch, a hot plate in the kitchen and bathroom. He turns on the bare light bulb and looks around his room. The white washed walls stare back at him with an anger.  
  
Bowing his head in shame, he picks up a pack of cigarettes Alexiel left behind. Rosiel stares at the package, wanting to hear her call out for one. Closing his eyes, he walks to the couch and takes out a smoke. He finds a pack of matches and lights one up. The smoke burns his lungs, but the pain dulls the ache in his heart. He coughs once and sinks into the couch.  
  
And pray you might give me a call  
  
He watches the light on the answering machine, waiting for a call, a final glow of hope. Why would someone call? I only have one other friend, Katan, and I haven't talked to him in God knows how long. I never needed anyone beside Alexiel. He looks at a picture hanging on the wall. It was them last winter, skiing. Smiling, happy people.  
  
Rosiel, taking another drag off his cigarette, tries to remember what it was like to be that happy. He grins for a moment, then breaks down into the miserable sobs he had choked down. A tear falls onto his cigarette and extinguishes it with a spark.  
  
I lie around in bed all day just staring at the walls  
  
Days later, Rosiel awakens early in the morning. He hasn't got the strength to get out of bed. A weak, white, emaciated hand reaches around the floor for the umpteenth pack of cigs. He lights it up and pretends he is smelling the smoke from her, not himself. The white walls, now with a blue tint from the dim light, continue to watch him in disgust. He has memorized every picture on those walls and can see them in his mind. He remembers the moments when they happened, how he had not a care in the world.  
  
Eventually, he rolls out of bed and runs his fingers through his hair. His once long, flowing, elegant hair is now stringy and faded. He watches the clock, each minute seeming like a second. He waits for the night, when he will emerge from his cage and drown his sorrows in bright colored lights and shot glasses.  
  
Hanging around bars at night   
  
Wishing I had never been born  
  
And give myself to anyone who wants to take me home  
  
Rosiel stumbles into the bar and slumps down into stool. Pressing his forehead against the wood, he remembers the moment when he told her. He would give anything to take it back, he would give his life. All he wanted was to go back, back to when he could hug and kiss her and there would be no more than that. His eyes sting with tears, but he has cried them dry. The blackness inside him can produce no more feeling than itself.  
  
A girl taps him on the shoulder and smiles seductively. He's seen it all. This has happened every night he goes out. He buys her a drink and waits for inevitable. He has nothing better to do.  
  
Later, Rosiel lights up Alexiel's brand of cigarettes and looks at the girl beside him. He was becoming numb, all the girls faded into a faceless mass. He taps out his ashes onto her back and leaves.  
  
So of course we can't be friends   
  
Not while I still feel like this  
  
Walking to the bar the next night, he catches a glimpse of her, of his twin. She's laughing and having a good time with her friends. She's hanging off the arm of some guy. Rosiel waves and Alexiel looks at him. She looks puzzled for a moment then half waves at him. A flash of concern flicks past her eyes, like a shooting star, but a friend says something funny and she's back into her own little world.  
  
I guess I always knew the score  
  
This is where our story ends  
  
Staggering back into his room, Rosiel grabs the nearest picture. The girl tonight reminded him of her. She even smoked the same brand. He pilfered a few packs off her and now that he was home, put them in his refrigerator. There was nothing else in there but the cigarettes and a jug of water. Still carrying the picture, he flops on to the futon and kisses her picture. He relived the events of tonight, with her in the place of the girl. He falls into a fitful sleep, dreaming of happier times.  
  
You left behind some clothes   
  
Wandering around his room one morning, Rosiel stumbles across a pile of clothes. Not his, but hers. In his closet they had been hidden. He watches them intently, imaging her shape filling them out.  
  
My belly summersaults when I pick them off the floor  
  
Rosiel picks up a shirt, a flannel shirt. She used to wear this when she slept at his house. His hand shakes as he holds it, sending tremors through the soft cotton. Weak, he falls to the ground, his eyelids straining to keep open. His stomach feels empty, for he hasn't eaten in days. Shaking still, he picks up a cigarette. He lights it and smokes frantically, hoping to fill his hunger. After extinguishing it, he presses his face to her shirt. It still smells like her, he can imagine lying next to her at night.  
  
Reaching into the closet again, he finds her jeans. She would wear these on weekends, when they'd go somewhere to hang out. Picking these up as well, he grabbed the pack of cigs and walked into the main room.  
  
My friends all say they're worried   
  
I'm looking far too skinny  
  
I've stopped returning all their calls  
  
As he shuffles past the answering machine, he presses the play button. Message after message from Katan plays, wondering where he is, asking if he's all right. Rosiel laughs and shakes his head. How could Katan understand? He was normal, he was happy. But a familiar voice caught his laugh in his throat.  
  
And no of course we can't be friends   
  
Not while I'm still so obsessed  
  
"Rosie-chan? Are you there? I know you are...But anyway, listen. After seeing you the other day, I got real worried. You looked... well sick and skinny. I know you said you didn't mind when I said I don't love you but I think you did. Look, don't do anything awful. I'll call you again later, okay?"  
  
I want to ask where I went wrong  
  
But don't say anything at all  
  
Alexiel? Why would she care? Ha, she doesn't want me to do anything awful? Well she shouldn't have done that to me! I didn't do anything to her, all I wanted was to be loved and she had to go and break my heart. A faint nagging in the back of his mind told him not to blame Alexiel, but he disregarded it. He picked up the phone, and went to dial her number, but something stopped him. Grabbing a picture, he flicked on the light in the bathroom. Pulling off his tee shirt and unbuttoning his pants, he changed into Alexiel's clothes. He hummed to himself as he did so, humming their favorite song.  
  
He started sining the chorus to himself as he light his last cigarette. Over the sound of his singing, he didn't hear the phone ring. Reaching into his medicine cabinet, he pulled out her shaving razor. Rosiel sat into the bathtub, taking long, slow drawls off the cig and looking at the picture.  
  
It took a cup of coffee  
  
The answering machine picked up the call.  
  
"Hey Rosie-chan?" The familiar voice spoke again, but Rosiel didn't hear it. He was lost in his own world in the picture. "I've been thinking" The picture was taken at that coffee house. They were both holding large mugs of coffee and giving thumbs up. He smiled in pure bliss and took one last drawl on the cigarette. "Maybe we should see each other again, I mean, you're my brother and all...and..."  
  
Rosiel put out the cig in the tub and closed his eyes. A last tear slid down his cheek, and a last sob choked his throat. He opened his eyes and looked at the picture and turned it over. In untidy handwriting, he scrawled: "I love you forever, Nee-san Love Rosie-chan."  
  
"I remember what you said at the cafe and I've decided that" He let the picture fall to the ground and picked up the razor blade. He watched it glint and stroke it briefly but powerfully over his wrists. He leaned back and closed his eyes again. The bloodstained Alexiel's shirt and jeans, but he didn't care. He was with her. "I want to be with you forever, Rosie-chan" He hummed that song again. His voice got hoarser and eventually just a whisper, but he was still smiling.  
  
To prove that you don't love me   
  
"I love you, Rosie-chan." His voice disappeared and the blood stopped flowing. But he was still smiling. "I truly do."  
  
Just for the record, the final answering machine message was for real, not imagined by Rosiel. I didn't WANT him to die, it just sort of turned out that way **sniff sniff** and I KNOW how poorly written this was but hey, it got the point across I hope. Now revue! chop chop pip pip cheerio lets get on with the bloody thing. 


End file.
